While many cultures revere, respect and elevate their elders, in the American culture we put them to the side and try to forget them. At least that was how I saw it and why thinking about aging was something I disliked in my thirties.
In my forties, becoming my mother’s caretaker opened my eyes to the difficulties the elderly face as their health deteriorates. Now in my fifties, as I start experiencing some body changes and minor pains; optimizing my health become even more important to me.
For women, aging in this youth-oriented society can be hard, if not painful.
Women’s Stereotypes
Recently, I was listening to a podcast that described the youth obsessed culture, Americans have. Part of the description included three types of represented women groups.
First, the young maiden. Beautiful, highly desired, very fertile, sexy but still a virgin. This is what our culture revers and obsessed about. Her power comes from being able to get men to do almost anything for her. She is Helen of Troy, able to bring war upon the world because of how desirable she was.
The second is the mother, she is the creator of the next generation, their protector and is still sexually desired, just not to the extent of the maiden. Her power comes from being the responsible one for the children. The mother can easily be traded for the maiden, who is younger and more sexually desired.
The third, is the Crow. The old maid, completely undesirable and void of all power. She is somewhat feared but is mostly because of her sour disposition. No longer fertile, beautiful or youthful, she is deemed to be of little worth.
Do Stereotypes Reflect Reality?
As I near menopause, I must confess the thought of no longer being fertile and youthful made me flinched. I would often react negatively whenever my mother mentioned that something, I was experiencing could be menopause. Of course, is not, I am not old. But I know better, so why was I reacting that way? Because of my fear of being thought as old and no longer having anything to offer, which is so wrong.
The truth is that my worth as a person has nothing to do with whether I can have children, are no longer the youthful maiden and my children are grown. Yet, I try very hard to maintain a youthful appearance by coloring my graying hair and using all kinds of creams to keep wrinkles from going deeper.
The more I think about it, my not wanting to grow old doesn’t have a lot to do with being the desirable maiden but rather with the fear of getting closer to death. But even more scary is the thought of being debilitated and able to take care of myself or those I love. Is this realization that lead me to start this blog, to help other women prevent debilitated disease optimize their health and age gracefully.
Thoughts of Inadequacy Creep in
Recently, one of my husband’s best friends left his wife of over thirty years. This brought up a whole bunch of fears of that could happen to me. I have been married for a very long time and while not perfect, my husband and I have always been very honest with each other and we know how much being committed to one another means.
We have all heard about midlife crisis, which something that not only happens with women but also with men. While my husband reassures me that we were fine, better than fine, I could not figure out where all these insecurities were coming from.
In the same way, I started to notice how young my new coworkers were, that were recently hired as our department grew. They are so young, so full of life and so sure of themselves. I also started to think, maybe I wasn’t a good fit for the department anymore. I had little in common with the young professionals and felt they look at me as the old woman who probably didn’t know enough.
Your Fears of Aging are Self-created
None of the things above are real, my husband loves me the way I am, my coworkers rely on my experience and even mentoring. All of the self-doubt was self-created. The truth is that I have never felt more at ease in my own skin, than I do now.
As we age, we truly become wiser with experience. We are less worried about what others think and more interested in what we think. No longer tied to fears of getting pregnant, we have the freedom to experience greater intimacy with our partners. No longer responsible for our children, we’re free to pursue other interest and we even experience greater joy and love with our grandchildren.
We have a clear idea of what is really important in life, we slow down and enjoy more things as we are no longer interested in being in the rat race. But in order to enjoy this season of life, health needs to be a priority.
Sometimes I still find myself stressed due to responsibilities and changing environment at home and at work. I am still my mother’s caretaker and her health deteriorate daily. I am still working full time and my job can be stressful as I try to take care of very sick patients. And my children came back home while they get their careers started and I even live now with my grandchild. Being one of the sandwich families, comes with a lot of stress due to family dynamic with the different personalities and the new interaction patterns with my grown kids.
I see physical changes not only in myself but also in my husband. I worry about retirement and I often think about what is next for me. These things are all normal with changes from one season of life to another.
How to Grow Old
It is going to be up to you, how you want to grow older. Do you want to be active, enjoy life, be able to do those things that are important to you or do you want to deal with illnesses and disability? If you are in your thirties, forties and beyond, this is the time for you to work on your health and understand that growing old or aging is not the bd thing we have been led to believe.
We all have so much to offer no matter what age we are, our worth is not tied to youth but to you as an individual. There have been numerous people who did their best work after age forty.
Here are some:
Growing older is not an end but rather the beginning of new life, make the most of it.